Halfhearted Holiday Card

 Happy Yuletide!

I’d like to present a few random and noteworthy moments from this year in a series of non-chronological and non-logical photographs that don't even slightly encapsulate the last year of my life, a year in which my interactions with law enforcement markedly increased.

I went on many and sundry bike rides! On this one, we biked past a disheveled, dirty, human-sized panda sprawled under a tree who looked like he had had a rough night. I’m proud of this moment because I think it shows my commitment to continuing to embrace the messy, gnarly, unsavory and human things in my life and in the world even as I continue to fight back the strong urge towards purity and perfectionism. 

I successfully carved a moon (the easiest design I could think of) into a pumpkin, quite a feat, if you’ve ever had a chance to witness my fine-motor skills. The pumpkin, left outside, quickly became squirrel food, and has led to the squirrels increasing, both in number and in body size, around our home. Several friends, upon coming to our home, have remarked, “Holy shit, the squirrels here are HUGE.” I am proud of how many squirrels appear to see our house as their home base, and how much we unintentionally feed them with the rotting carcasses of pumpkins and other long-dead vegetables that we keep outside. It’s not purposeful, but I’m glad we can continue to contribute to the cycle of life through our negligence. 

Portraits of man with skittles

Our friend Maria adorably gifted us a vase filled with skittles. We were able to mark the seasons and time passing as we (well, mostly Cuong) progressed through the vase; it kind of served as a sugary stonehenge, an analog calendar, the days passing as the skittles slowly descended. We are proud to report that the vase became completely empty just this week, fittingly, as we approach the winter solstice. Although I pretended to see skittles as ‘non-vegan’ for the first few weeks, I mysteriously remembered that they were actually vegan at the last hour, helping bring us to the finish line. 

Our friend, “person”, left us a snow heart on our front porch one blizzardy morning last week. We were able to catch her on Cuong’s creepy smart TV as she joyfully stamped her love for us in the fresh snow. I am proud to feel that someone loved me enough to stamp a heart for me at 8:15am and that we captured it on camera. 

I think this exploded pillow is a good metaphor for this year and a good moment to end on. My friend Liz made me this beautiful pillow years ago, using some of the fabric that I had bought in Uganda. At some point in mid-2021, it started to explode. Oddly, though I noted this rupture, I continued to use the pillow for weeks, like it was somehow normal to support my body with an explosion of old stuffing and torn cloth (the explosion only became more obvious over time). This questionable situation continued until both Cuong and I (mostly Cuong) got sick of discovering gross stuffing everywhere in the bed. So, like the adult that I am, I took the pillow out of the bed and put it on the floor, where it sat, hideously, like the perfect metaphor of the year itself. It might not have been rubbing up against my bare skin, but it was the first thing I had to see when I woke up every morning. It seems like a good idea to wake up to better things. 

So, Happy Yuletide, humans. May we metaphorically and literally remove the exploded pillows from our beds and floors and the veils from our eyes; may we step heartfully and hugfully into our days, refusing to look away from that which is painful or unclear; may we joyfully stamp out our love for one another on the porches of our friends’ hearts, measuring our passing hours with skittles eaten and squirrels spotted.

Portrait of woman and man with halo