Monday, December 13, 2010

Searching for peace.

Damn it.

Today I found out that my program in early February is full. This means many things. Most importantly, it means that I will not be leaving in early February, and probably not in February at all. It means that either I was too slow in being medically cleared, or someone else took my spot. It means that my near future existence just became a lot more boring and over-wrought. It means that I will not be contacted by my placement officer for the next month, and probably will have to leave a lot later than I originally hoped. It also means that I may not be going to Latin America. At this point, I could be going anywhere. This means that now, I will not see my boyfriend for more than 2.5 years. And I thought 2.5 years was bad.

I have never been so fixated upon something in my entire life. The minute I officially applied for the Peace Corps, I knew that I was going to do it. I have wanted to do the Peace Corps since I was a little girl. I went through a period during college when I was both intimidated by the application process and too unwilling to be separated from my significant other (at the time) to go through with it. It's funny how those childhood dreams always come back. I also have always wanted to be an author, and although I am on an extended hiatus from this, I still firmly believe that writing will be a part of my life. Same with Peace Corps. The thing with Peace corps, though, is that I want it to start. Now. Writing will come, or deepen with age and experience. The Peace COrps needs to happen, right now, when I am young and full of adventure, and relatively unattached.

It seems silly because what are a few more months, really, in the grand scheme of things? Why do I want to start on this journey as soon as possible and not instead focus on soaking up being home in the Twin Cities?

I don't really know this, but I do know that the last 3 months have been the most emotionally-wrought that I have ever experienced. Despite being in a very comfortable living=situation in a city that I grew up in with many people around who I love, I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I have never before experienced such a black-hole of inactivity, creative-hiatus, and social isolation as I am now. I need to be taken outside of my comfort zone and quickly. To think of spending the next 6 months here in Saint Paul makes me want to break down. IT also makes me feel incredibly ungrateful to feel this way.

I regret that I am in this itchy-neurotic-overwrought post-grad period, because it causes me to zero in on my pathetic spectrum of anxieties and desires. I want to forget about myself and become involved in something, like I was last year in AmeriCorps. I want Peace Corps to suck me in like a UFO from the sky and spit me out somewhere far-away, I want to be surrounded by people my age who are doing the same thing, I want to be challenged beyond what I could imagine.

Ah. Now it is a waiting game, again. It could be months before I leave. I have no idea how I am going to distract and fulfill myself until then. For the short term, I already purchased the last Stieg Larsson book today, right after I heard the bad news. I feel like this is a good start.

2 comments:

  1. *hug*

    I completely understand what you're going through. You just put it into words better than I can.

    If you get that fed up with the twin cities, you can always road trip... even if it's somewhere 30 minutes away it might make you feel better.

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  2. Thanks so much for your kind words and advice! I checked out your blog and it looks like we have similar application timelines and are in similar predicaments. I hope that you hear something soon from PC and that you are not too waylaid.

    Very best,
    Ilse

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