Rebooting

 I have struggled to update this blog in 2024, as my own system has struggled to keep up with its constant updates and reboots, some dramatic and some subtle. 

Through it all, I am left with the echoing question of, "Under whose authority?" There is so often a looming, invisible authority that I am trying to please even when I think I'm not. I'll meditate until my knees ache...for who? For what purpose? I'll work hard... for who? For what purpose? I'll try to make my body look a certain way...for who? For what purpose? I'll be nice...for who? For what purpose? 

What is my own unique moral compass? How can I stay rooted, always, in my own authority? Who am I when no one is looking or keeping score? What can I refuse? For what or for who will I throw my arms wide open? I'm excited to keep discovering this for myself. 

I am so grateful to have discovered and embraced "Queer Time", in addition to finding a community of people of all ages who haphazardly practice it. The pressure to adhere to the usual milestones/timelines and lead a "normal" chronological life (as defined by mainstream society) is one that I gleefully and gratefully shuck off. It is a daily refusal, and I think the most powerful refusals are those that one must make and remake over and over as opposed to any one-time event. The refusals, when stacked so high, reveal the contours of the more important yeses in our lives. 

And, the yeses, may they continue to echo so magnificently that all that should crack and break in my life will. 

Queerness itself is “an outcome of strange temporalities, imaginative life schedules, and eccentric economic practices.”